I don’t know what I feel anymore…

My demons inside have been nawing at my spirit. I used to cry…become depressed. That was way better I suppose because I looked the Demon in his eyes and said not today.

However, the struggle recently to stay strong against his robust arm has been real. It’s easy to get sucked into the abyss of emotions tied to…Why am I not enough? Why doesn’t anyone love me and tell me? Maybe if I’m not here anymore no one will miss me….. I’m fat… I’m getting old…. I’m no longer sexy… My kids hate me… My husband doesn’t love me enough to say I love you… My body aches…

I’m am just so tired. No one has any idea… I’ve reached a point of numbness that leaves me with no tears. My friend told me yesterday… “Cry…it’s very therapeutic and handed me a tissue… ” I just stared at him…feeling absolutely nothing…no urge to release this burden in my heart.

This fear and anxiety is eating away at me from the inside. I’m afraid to say anything to anyone..my true thoughts…noone will understand. They will label me crazy…and fear they want to medicate me which may make me more nuts….change me.. Take away my kids… Maybe institutionalize me!

This is why I love my blog. It’s not for you…not done to see how many likes I get. It’s for ME…just an avenue to release the demons in my head. Wish I could cry…but not there yet…and wonder if that means I’m stronger than I thought…or just in denial of how far gone emotionally I’ve drifted…..

Does a woman’s appearance really matter to a man?

I have many thoughts on this question and I bet you would probably lean more towards saying yes! Well I have seen both sides of that coin! I saw a man fall completely in love with a picture of a woman he has never seen or spoken disguised as a woman he has seen and chatted with daily towards whom he never showed much interest as her real self. It amazed me how Alex could be so gullible and appear so shallow.

So maybe I should start at the beginning…my name is Maddy and I love playing this online scrabble game it was an awesome opportunity to meet new people from all over the world. The challenge with the game though it only allowed typed conversation with your opponents. So once you decided you wanted to connect outside of the game it would have to be done via another app.

One day I got a game started with a handsome guy called Alex and from the time I saw his tiny pic on the game, I melted. He looked like he had hot Latin blood running in his veins and I promptly initiated a chat with him during the game. We started talking and my suspicions were confirmed, he was 5’11 athletic, dark hair and slightly greying eyes and guess what….he was from Mexico! Aye dios mio! Hahaha….mmmm so sexy. Anyway we exchanged contacts and began chatting via Hangouts and OMG! His voice…is accent could make me wet instantly, it was like he had a magical tongue…I imagined it licking me all over.

Now, no judgements ladies, granted I am a married woman with kids, the relationship has been a long one, over 20 years together…and though I loved my husband…he began taking me for granted and emotionally neglecting me. This is when Alex came on the scene swept me off my feet. It was new…exciting….and he being so far away from where I lived, what harm could a little sexting do?

Yes you read right….we started sexting…first it was typed words….which quickly progressed to voice calls. Hearing him live on the other side of the line and knowing he was being turned on as much as me was highly erotic. Alex would say to me… “Cum for me baby…cum…I want you feel my cock inside you…” damn I’m getting wet right now thinking about it….I’ve always had a weakness for Latin men and here he was conveniently in my life when I felt unsexy…unloved…unappreciated.

Our conversations were rapidly upgraded to sharing pics of each other’s naked body…savouring each other in a way our spouses should have, but over time had forgotten was an important part in any relationship. In no time we were video chatting with each other, calling everyday several times unable to get enough of the love that was growing leaps and bounds between us. There is nothing more erotic than seeing the man that turns you on cum with you when you cum in a live chat environment. The distance between us and being in different countries along with our marital statuses made it difficult to even think of meeting in person…so for now this would have to do but we both admitted it was getting harder to breathe…..the problem was that he was videoing and beginning to fall for Maddy.

Months passed and slowly he began messaging less and less… And I started wondering if he moved on to someone new and decided to create and Alias on the game and play him and flirt as Samantha and see if he does this with other women. Well I’m typical male fashion he bit…and communication between myself as Maddy lessened making excuses he was busy with work… On a call etc. Simultaneously I would confirm his story by messaging as Samantha…who by the way only ever saw a pic on the game. Sam was married and couldn’t risk calls and sending pics as their accounts were joint… And Alex took it all look line and sinker. All attempts to contact him as Maddy were futile and ignored, he was now totally focused on the Alias Samantha! He professed love and initiated to meet in person… He was in love with this person he never met because Smanatha’s pic was once of a younger beautiful woman with a sexy athletic body as compared to me a sightly more full figured woman.