I don’t know what I feel anymore…

My demons inside have been nawing at my spirit. I used to cry…become depressed. That was way better I suppose because I looked the Demon in his eyes and said not today.

However, the struggle recently to stay strong against his robust arm has been real. It’s easy to get sucked into the abyss of emotions tied to…Why am I not enough? Why doesn’t anyone love me and tell me? Maybe if I’m not here anymore no one will miss me….. I’m fat… I’m getting old…. I’m no longer sexy… My kids hate me… My husband doesn’t love me enough to say I love you… My body aches…

I’m am just so tired. No one has any idea… I’ve reached a point of numbness that leaves me with no tears. My friend told me yesterday… “Cry…it’s very therapeutic and handed me a tissue… ” I just stared at him…feeling absolutely nothing…no urge to release this burden in my heart.

This fear and anxiety is eating away at me from the inside. I’m afraid to say anything to anyone..my true thoughts…noone will understand. They will label me crazy…and fear they want to medicate me which may make me more nuts….change me.. Take away my kids… Maybe institutionalize me!

This is why I love my blog. It’s not for you…not done to see how many likes I get. It’s for ME…just an avenue to release the demons in my head. Wish I could cry…but not there yet…and wonder if that means I’m stronger than I thought…or just in denial of how far gone emotionally I’ve drifted…..

You are making me crazy…why can’t we still be friends…

Sigh… My world is upside down… I’m supposed to be focused on my husband and family. However some months ago… After 25 years I didn’t something no woman does unless she is emmotionally starving. I slept with a guy that I said was to be no strings attached…just friends enjoying each other for one moment. My husband is not a fan of PDA or saying I love you. I’ve asked about it…always asking please do you love me and he jokes “olive oil”.

It had reached the point of total frustration, and Alex was there…the one who said I love you to me all the time. Said I looked beautiful and my body though a more fun figure was beautiful. He said I was his woman and I was his and he loved me. We had an amazing encounter…and damn does he have stamina… I kid you not ….but for 5 hours straight without stopping we fucked…made love, cuddled, kissed and showered together. It was out of this world!

However, now after being friends for over a year prior…and our session in New York…he has totally pulled away from me…I know…idiot…what did you expect? you must be saying…. What were you hoping for? Were you going to leave your husband and kids? And all I can say is… I don’t know what I expected…I don’t know what I expected and no I wasnt leaving my family… So why the tears you ask??

Tears because I fell in love with him. Fell in love with a man who seems to now hate talking to me more than Hi… How are you… Got to go… Bye… I don’t know what happened… He didn’t even say goodbye… Or just say let’s slow down…he simply withdrew from our relationship/friendship right after my birthday.

I feel like I’ve never gotten closer… I have so many unanswered questions… What did I do? Did you ever like me? Or love me as you said? Was I really the full woman you just wanted to fuck? Why can’t we be friends without the sex? Why do you hate me? I watch him quietly on Instagram…posting pics…seems to be on a change in his life…and it breaks my heart to see him…

What do I do? Do I block him and forget him? I’ve tried so many times over past 4 months and I keep unblocking him. Something keeps drawing me into him and its killing me inside… I need to talk to him… I need closure… Or should I just try again to block him out of my life…. Help… My heart is breaking💔… And it’s affecting me more than I care to admit… 😢

Not have enough hours in my day!!#needtimetoblog

So this long awaited moment for my blog to be up and writing…And now a week later my time is so limited and I’ve only written one blog 😭. Between work and my lately asshole boss… (That’s another blog) lol and my kids and family I barely have time to release my words into cyberspace.

I have so many interesting stories to tell, all bottled inside me like a bottle of Verve Cliquot on the verge of popping it’s cork. Sigh…. Maybe this week I get time to share with you this crazy shit inside my head. I will say last week was tough, and if it were not for a friend…well.

Any hoot I’m still here and I WILL make time to blog this week! See already on the right track…1st blog of the week, P.S. being written at 5:30am!! 🤣🤣

Does a woman’s appearance really matter to a man?

I have many thoughts on this question and I bet you would probably lean more towards saying yes! Well I have seen both sides of that coin! I saw a man fall completely in love with a picture of a woman he has never seen or spoken disguised as a woman he has seen and chatted with daily towards whom he never showed much interest as her real self. It amazed me how Alex could be so gullible and appear so shallow.

So maybe I should start at the beginning…my name is Maddy and I love playing this online scrabble game it was an awesome opportunity to meet new people from all over the world. The challenge with the game though it only allowed typed conversation with your opponents. So once you decided you wanted to connect outside of the game it would have to be done via another app.

One day I got a game started with a handsome guy called Alex and from the time I saw his tiny pic on the game, I melted. He looked like he had hot Latin blood running in his veins and I promptly initiated a chat with him during the game. We started talking and my suspicions were confirmed, he was 5’11 athletic, dark hair and slightly greying eyes and guess what….he was from Mexico! Aye dios mio! Hahaha….mmmm so sexy. Anyway we exchanged contacts and began chatting via Hangouts and OMG! His voice…is accent could make me wet instantly, it was like he had a magical tongue…I imagined it licking me all over.

Now, no judgements ladies, granted I am a married woman with kids, the relationship has been a long one, over 20 years together…and though I loved my husband…he began taking me for granted and emotionally neglecting me. This is when Alex came on the scene swept me off my feet. It was new…exciting….and he being so far away from where I lived, what harm could a little sexting do?

Yes you read right….we started sexting…first it was typed words….which quickly progressed to voice calls. Hearing him live on the other side of the line and knowing he was being turned on as much as me was highly erotic. Alex would say to me… “Cum for me baby…cum…I want you feel my cock inside you…” damn I’m getting wet right now thinking about it….I’ve always had a weakness for Latin men and here he was conveniently in my life when I felt unsexy…unloved…unappreciated.

Our conversations were rapidly upgraded to sharing pics of each other’s naked body…savouring each other in a way our spouses should have, but over time had forgotten was an important part in any relationship. In no time we were video chatting with each other, calling everyday several times unable to get enough of the love that was growing leaps and bounds between us. There is nothing more erotic than seeing the man that turns you on cum with you when you cum in a live chat environment. The distance between us and being in different countries along with our marital statuses made it difficult to even think of meeting in person…so for now this would have to do but we both admitted it was getting harder to breathe…..the problem was that he was videoing and beginning to fall for Maddy.

Months passed and slowly he began messaging less and less… And I started wondering if he moved on to someone new and decided to create and Alias on the game and play him and flirt as Samantha and see if he does this with other women. Well I’m typical male fashion he bit…and communication between myself as Maddy lessened making excuses he was busy with work… On a call etc. Simultaneously I would confirm his story by messaging as Samantha…who by the way only ever saw a pic on the game. Sam was married and couldn’t risk calls and sending pics as their accounts were joint… And Alex took it all look line and sinker. All attempts to contact him as Maddy were futile and ignored, he was now totally focused on the Alias Samantha! He professed love and initiated to meet in person… He was in love with this person he never met because Smanatha’s pic was once of a younger beautiful woman with a sexy athletic body as compared to me a sightly more full figured woman.